How to Keep Your Limits

In this short article I want to formally define a pattern to identify abuse in a relationship of any kind, be it professional, business-oriented or affective.

As we go through the world and experience the realities of life we might fall into a pattern of accepting unacceptable situations in which we are involved to some degree.

We fall, and most importantly we stay, in those toxic situations because of an unhealthy attachment or lack of understanding that we are in a toxic pattern of behavior.

Pattern recognition

In the book Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, humans are describe via a bicameral system of reasoning, one based in fast and efficient pattern-recognition or heuristics and a slower, more reflexive but energetically heavy process of thought which requires a process of journaling and meditating over it.

Sometimes we lack those fast pattern-recognition systems that protect us or raise the alarm because we have normalized feeling like shit or have ourselves a history of abuse in past relationships. Humans can also be hacked and manipulated, as can any other system.

The human brain is structured in layers, from the neurocortex which is what distinguish human beings as a species, to deeper more emotional layers that we share with mammals until the deepest layer which only cares about food, sex or survival.

So there is potential for us to feel an abusive situation before we are conscious of it or see it comming by just pure intuition.

Compassion-Driven Behavior

If you are able to feel compassion for cute animals and kids, in this article I want to present you the following idea.

Imagine that whatever is happening to you right now or has been done to you (or maybe you are about to do) was going to be done to a small animal or a kid.

What do you feel? Do you feel good inside? Or do you feel rage? Maybe sadness? Disgust?

Will this behavior as far as your knowledge goes be justified as a correction that will be translated in the future into greater protection or wisdom for that child?

If not, thats it, you are being abused and your limits have been trespassed.

How to act

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

If when you do this exercise, you see a small child being scorned, abandoned with his needs ignored, intimidated by a bully or being taken advantage of, then you have all the right to feel those emotions, to think about them, and finally act in a responsible manner.

We have been conditioned through the process of civilization (defined as the process of domestication of human beings by other human beings) to ignore our emotions due to the disruptions they might cause to the social hierarchy and general order.

However, as a self-respecting human being you must have the clear convinction that you may be able to afford to trick everyone, but by no chance you have the right to trick yourself. You must be aware of what is going on and act accordingly with as much wisdom as you can muster.

To act responsible is a topic upon itself, consider the fact that the person who is causing the offense is completely unconscious of it and mostly robotic, this will help you to forgive them.

However, if the offense is repeated after reiterative events and cycles, then the conflict must be escalated until either an understanding is achieved or that person is removed from your life.

The Christian Perspective

“So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” John 8:7, King James Bible

To forgive is an act of strength upon itself, some things are so hard to forgive that only the son of God could do it.

In the story of the woman caught in adultery (John 7:53–8:11), religious leaders bring a woman to Jesus and ask whether she should be stoned according to the law. Jesus responds, “Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.” One by one, her accusers leave. Jesus then tells the woman that he does not condemn her and urges her to go and sin no more.

I most likely will never have the level of patience and strength that this man had to forgive some things, either done to me or others, I might even enjoy being God’s wrath upon them, I will accept this as my unconquerable sin.

But it is imperative to try it anyway, not as a pass, not as a rejection of our pain, but to know where the door is for reconciliation and understanding if good faith is found at the other side as well as the desire for change.

Have a happy Sunday.